Parallels with Mineral water

Parallels between breast milk and mineral water?

The same source, from the mountains

Professor thought to the future

Why is a history teacher head bald the back, while the bald head Professor in front?

For history teachers think in the past, being a Professor thought to the future.

Smart man plus smart woman

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Dumb man + smart woman = affair
Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

A woman will pay

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Brad and The Cakes

Brad was extremely hungry, so he left work and went to a local snack bar where

he bought a cake.  When Chen had eaten the cake, he found that he was still

famished, and so he ate a second one.

Even then he was not full up and promptly ate six cakes in succession, but he

hadn't satisfied his hunger.  Not until Brad had eaten the seventh cake did he

feel satisfied.

Then, suddenly, he had a feeling of regret. 'Ah, if I had known this before, I

would have eaten the seventh cake first and that would have been enough and

there would not have been any need to eat those six others.'

After The Honeymoon

After the Honeymoon

justin and selena, a young couple, got married and went happily on their

honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother

obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert

started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard

before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and

take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, selena!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful?  What

4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, selena whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and

iron.'

shot down

Difficult Landing

The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a - 'Thanks for flying abcde airline'.

An airline pilot on this particular flight hammered his plane into the runway really hard.  In light of his bad landing, he had difficulty looking the passengers in the eye, all the time he thought that a passenger would have a smart comment.  However, it seemed that all the passengers were too shell shocked to say anything.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane.  She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' Why no Ma'am,'  said the pilot, 'What is it', the little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

ATM machines

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling

customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this

new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing

their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been

developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance

from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back

page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot

provided.!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Well, today I didn't do it !!!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His

three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with

empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In

the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room

was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the

counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table,

and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,

looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious

had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in bed in her

pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day

went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered,
"You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world

did I do today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!!!"

monkeys categories

There are 3 categories of monkeys

1. Monkey Conforming: who would read this sms ...!!!

2. Monkey Spiteful: will this sms balez ...!!!

3. Monkey Stingy: who would not reply to this sms ...!!!