Funny Jokes : Monkey Organization

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at

different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Funny Jokes : The Other Side

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of

the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of

berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"

"Not now! I'm eating."

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."

"No way."

"Please. It's urgent."

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day

and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he

finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of

the river."

Funny Jokes : Lion Tamer

wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and

biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face

until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big

claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until

he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in

two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I

throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do

then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out

of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going

to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Funny Jokes : Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked

himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about

where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until

finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind

him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of

trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Funny Jokes : The Hunting Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out

to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out

there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester

says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't

believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't

believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out

there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you

can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend

Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go

out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth

and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud.

I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the

dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started

humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more

fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Funny Jokes : Gorilla Chase !!!

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, he'd never left it

on its own.

But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in

the care of his next-door neighbor.

So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three

bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock.

But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for

a while thinking, “Why can't I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be

anything wrong with it.

Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt

understand until, about a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and

decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its

fur.

Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned

and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door,

over the lawn, across the street, into some one else's sports car and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving

right behing him.

He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just

stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into

someone's front garden and up the apple tree.

He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became

dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down

the street ahead.

The gorilla!

It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot

eyes of the man and came towards him slowly.

This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel

faint.

The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said,

“Tag! You're it!”

Funny Jokes : Getting Excited at the Zoo

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the

day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,

sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is

not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy

gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts

and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty

lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his

wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips,

wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake

the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little

more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he

says.... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage,

flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

Funny Jokes : Farmer and the Pretty Lady

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped

by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the

livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose.

Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the

bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your

other hand?"

Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She

told him she was lost, and asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515

Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at

1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a
short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there".

The fair young lady said, "How do I know that when we get in to the alley you

won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?"

The farmer said, "I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How

in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The young lady said, "Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the

goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!"

Funny Jokes : Dirty Birds

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have

two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem.

Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two

male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your

female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female

parrots to the priest's house.

His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female

parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads

away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever

hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead.

Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and

to be quiet!

After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had

happened.

Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never

screamed.

Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."

"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe

continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should

we take them home or eat ’em now?""